A couple of days ago Reagan and I were driving somewhere and I spotted a man in the median holding up one of those signs. I am sure that it said something to the effect of him needing money. Normally I would give him some money but I have gotten into the habit of not carrying any cash (thanks to Debit cards, who needs cash anymore?). As I was driving past him I started to have this overwhelming feeling come over me. I could not quite pin point what that feeling was, but it felt like guilt. Not guilt for being unable to help him out, but a different kind. As I drove on with my day I continued to think about that moment, and then it hit me. How dare I bring children into this world? That is seriously what I was thinking. I continued to go over in my mind all the evils and injustices that go on. I thought about all the times that my daughters would inevitably be hurt. I thought about how pure and innocent Reagan is right now and how she has no idea that there are people out there who would wish to do horrible things to her. I thought about the daunting task of raising children in the society that we live in. Then I began to question whether or not I really wanted to have more than the two children that we have. Ryan and I have always wanted a big family, but isn’t this world just way to crazy?
I am not sure why I had these thoughts. Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones, or just a Mother’s desire to protect her children. I look around at all of the chaos sometimes and wonder why people just don’t see that life is so much more rewarding if you look beyond yourself and work to help other people, instead of causing pain. I mean, there are people out there who kill each other for no other reason than the color of their skin. Seriously??? This just blows my mind. How many people have been killed because of this reason? We have predators at our playgrounds now and it’s sometimes not even safe to allow our children to play in our own front yards. Public schools are becoming nothing more than breeding grounds for gangs and violence. Parents are hurting their own children without thinking twice. Our brothers and sisters are being killed in a war protecting a country that sometimes acts like it has forgotten them. Divorce rates are through the roof and it seems like politicians make a different attack on traditional families every day.
I could go on with my list of ills of this world, but I will stop. I understand that I have to carry the burden of raising my children to be the best adults that they can be. I have to love them unconditionally, never punish out of anger, teach them manners that society has lost, be proactive and not reactive, I have to act the way I want them to act and not ask them to ignore my actions, I have to get them involved in a church, and most importantly, I have to be their Mother, not just their friend.